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The Day I Lost "It"

Today I'm watching from afar another person's child prepare for surgery; another surgery to remove cancer.

I think back to a little over a year ago when my daughter Taylor was about to have her first surgery to remove the cancer (Glioblastoma Multiforme) from her spinal cord.

The day before her surgery, I was an emotional mess.

For some reason I couldn't stop crying.

Mentally, I wasn't worried.  I felt confident that she would live -and she did..for a while longer...through several more surgeries and 7 months.

People would say to me, "you are so strong" but I wasn't strong on my own.  My mental confidence and strength came through choosing to read God's word daily.

_________________________________________________________________________ will be...nourished on the truths of the faith and of the good teaching that you have followed.  1 Timothy 4:6 NIV


My problem that day was that my emotions weren't in sync with my mind.  No matter how hard I tried to control them, they were controlling me that day.  I don't even know if I had read my Bible that's all a blur now...

I was losing it.  (control, peace, my world, _________ -fill in the blank because "it" was all going and I couldn't stop it.)

Now while I write this, I finally see what was happening that sub-conscience KNEW I was powerless.

I had no control.

I had no control over my daughter's ability to live.

I had no control over her destiny.

I had no control over her future.

For the first time in my life, I had to face the very real fact that my daughter could die.

As a mother, your whole life's purpose is to protect your child, raise them up to be amazing adults, and enjoy watching them do the same for their kids one day.

That day was the beginning of letting go.  

Everything inside of me was screaming NO! NO, there must be another way, there must be something I can do to save my daughter.

I didn't want to let go, but what choice did I have? There was nothing I could do. I could be a mental case or I could place my trust in Jesus to help our family through this.  

I chose Jesus. 

Each day I would feed myself strength by reading from the book of Psalms and you know what?  God would meet me there and give me little bits that I could take and feed on.

God's Word is food and when you encounter something so overwhelming, so out of your sphere of normal life, and something that is so incredibly painful then that's the time to stay connected.  That's the time when you need supernatural strength.

Run towards God no matter how much you want to just isolate and hide, crying tears that no one knows about.

Run to his Word when you are losing "it".  I promise you that you will discover just what you need for your journey.

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